He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
