I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
