he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
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I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
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I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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