you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
