I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm going to jail i love you
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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