Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
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i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
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On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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