i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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