I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize