I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
