i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
