if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize