like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
