I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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