I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
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But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
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HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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