Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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