before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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