What a fucking waste of an outfit
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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