I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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