the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
