Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
