my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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