i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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