i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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