Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
