ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
