is your mom at the bar?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
