I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
