I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
