i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I love you. Go after that dick
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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