You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
