Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
