Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
