i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
