I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I could have mohawked her pubes.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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