Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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