Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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