my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
