he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
