I swear god or herbie drove my car home
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
