she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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