You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Randomize
