Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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