Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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