i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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