anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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