Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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