Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Randomize
