i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
