So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
are you so shy because you have an std?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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