I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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