i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Dicks are not precious.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
