I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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