Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
