I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
This house was built for laser tag.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
