Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
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