I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
