Rock
Scissors
Fuck
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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