I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
50% drunk capacity currently
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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